December 5, 2009. 11:44am.

This is the first entry not in front of the painting. Just had to capture something – a frustration I feel at this painting – I think specifically the lack of color, energy, aliveness. The myopic worship of this young stranger, where a world beyond is only alluded to in the props that surround

him. Why

didn’t I choose a vast colorful painting not of this world, but the world beyond – stretch myself a little? What is it about this painting that allows for new discoveries each week, even in the midst of its colorlessness, its limited subject matter, its feeling, devoid of emotion?

I have been feeling like I’m not doing enough.

I’d like my visits to be more productive, more imaginative, with bigger, more colossal breakthroughs every week. There is a sense that I’d like to solve something, or have a series of epiphanies so great & relevant to my time & demographic that they are book-worthy.

Working on research methods has clarified this for me – the why – and I keep coming back to one central idea that gets more nuanced & more developed each time I return to it – the need (is there a

need?) for self-guided aesthetic experiences.

The value, the possibilities. What I’m feeling now are also, the limitations, the frustrations. But there is a sense of being more alive, a “going out of energy” as Maxine Greene calls it, when one has a central idea to return to and with which to frame all the day’s activities around. I see this as ‘like,’ I see this ‘in counterpoint to,’ I see this ‘having a conceptual relationship with’ – the idea of processing new information through this (process of) engagement, where everything all of a sudden potentially matters, and may bring unto focus in a different way this object of my attention.

Thinking about pre-test, baselines, etc. I wonder if this rabid search for aesthetic meaning & relevance is because of this self-directed exercise, or because of the implied deadline & structure to this self-directed exercise (completing my Masters degree). This may be a limitation.

Would I be visiting my man every week if I didn’t have the specter of failure before me?

I’ve been thinking about ways to expand this process, enlarge it, make it brain-explodingly inspirational.

So far I feel my visits are dry, perfunctory. They always yield a breakthrough, as I’ve noted (somewhat surprisingly), but I want more. There is the approach of making artwork – bring art supplies instead of a journal – bound to be frustrating and awkward in a gallery – or finding ways of bringing more to the situation (comparing, considering w/ others works of art). Thinking of Research Methods final project. How can that be woven in?